sakura drops
10.01.06
Goodbye
This is the long-awaited. The final entry where I would say all my goodbyes. A proper ending is what I long for; if not for others, but for myself to have and look back to when I am old.
Diaryland is where I first started, and it will be where I end my stories.
Just for the record, This is my 2nd diaryland diary.
The first one has been defunct for a couple of years now.
And for this, I'm on to closing the last chapter.
It's time, I guess.
Why so?
Inmysolitude has been home to me for about 2.5 years. Reading back, I've seen myself progress and grow tremendously in those 2.5 years. I've seen growth and development in me as an individual, spiritually, and emotionally.
I used to be a very emotional individual. I still am, but I've learnt to keep my feelings in check.
For some part of the 2.5 years, I have felt so numbed because of some of the things that I went through, I hated and refused to feel anything. I just wanted to be devoid of any sort of emotion.
I've been conditioned so well to harden my heart to everything. That when the tears finally fall, it's like a dam broke loose.
For the later part of the 2.5 years in my life, I've experienced some very wonderful spiritual growths. It has been tremendous and has made me grown from strength to strength.
I don't write much on my love life personally, but throughout the diary, there is the occasional entry on love and the heartache which brings with it. I don't know if I've ever been in love for real, but I do know the feeling of wanting and trying to let go.
Each day, I'll pray that you'll be happy. I'll let go of my heart and my hands. As long as you've found the special one who can make you laugh and bring you joy, I know that I will smile with you. I'll do all these for you, because this is my way of loving you and the only way to love myself by letting me go Maybe i'll just wrap everything up, tuck it safely in a little corner where no wind can blow it dry or away. And when I'm bored, i'll unwrap all the memories I had of you; close my eyes and just breathe in, trying to recall all the feelings I once had for you. And when I can't remember the constriction in the chest and tingly feeling on my nose, I know i've gotten along fine.
I wrote the above paragraph, when I felt such strong feelings for someone. More than anything else, it was the emotions that I wanted to let go of. I wanted to loose myself from the feelings which bound me then. It wasn't very easy. I took some time to really get over, but I thank God that I didn't have to keep count. It just ebbed and was blown away. I am glad that I don't feel these anymore. It is a bittersweet feeling. And yes, I do agree that gan qing allows us to grow a lot as a person. But I don't need to experience those feelings anymore. This way, I really am free. The freedom that brings with this letting go is exhilarating and exciting.
Recently, I have been writing lesser in my diary. I don't know why.
Maybe it's the feeling of writing in my diary. I always liked almost every entry I wrote because I spent a lot of time on it. Now, I cannnot afford spend the same amount of time writing every entry. Somehow, it got to a point where I felt pressured to write something good (in my own opinion of course). I have always written long entries. I never paid attention to the things which occur daily, as I found it to be random meaningless and maybe pointless. This could be why I wrote about emotions and feelings for the first 1.5-2 years or so. I wrote sad, melancholic, poignant entries, which would put me into an unstable state of mind. I'd empty myself, pour out the feelings I had, which only left me exhausted and sometimes not able to go on. Until it got tiring.
Now, I am ready to close the previous chapter of my life and move towards the next opening. I don't know what it'll be like. Without a doubt, I've grown so much within these 2-2.5 years (sometimes refer them to my uni years). I have my fair share of challenges and all of it has made me to be who I am today and I wouldn't want to trade it with anything else.
But I have learnt (am still learning) to overcome, not just to cope, and to keep smiling and be joyful regardless of circumstances. I've grown from being a sad, melancholic soul to be a happier and joyful person. I even laugh more readily and often now.
I suppose it's time for me to grow up. Afterall, I am an adult already. And ready to enter into another chapter of my God-oriented life. It's a good thing, really.
Because even when I am in a valley, I am not afraid. Because the Lord is my shepherd, Because I know He is the One who truly loves me, I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Farewell.
It's all good now.
yesterday's pain | today's game | tomorrow's gain
Last 5 flowers:
Goodbye - 10.01.06
At least....i know what i want - 17.06.05
20.05.05 to 23.05.05. - 24.05.05
random dreams - 05.05.05
A miracle we need, a miracle we'll get - 20.04.05